I’ve been digging through my past lately. It’s a humbling process. The person that I used to be is so easy to judge in hindsight. I hate him at the best of times and pity him at the worst. He’s painful to look at squarely, which must mean that this person I am now might one day look the same.
I think I’m figuring out at least part of it now. Most of his mistakes came from lack of perspective. He was never honest with himself. Rationalization is easy if you never take a step back and realize that you’re rationalizing more than you’re actually deciding.
The fact is most of the good I’ve done has been accidental. Most of it was the product of being raised well and for some reason naturally caring about people and wanting them to be better versions of themselves. I don’t think that any of what I’ve done has been motivated by goodness. I don’t really even get what that is. Mostly I’ve just gone with my gut I guess.
I think that maybe if I look at life squarely, day by day, and try to see it exactly as it is and think about exactly why I did what I did, I might start to be a better person. The people I’ve hurt by this point have come to far outnumber the people I’ve helped. Perhaps that’s a matter of perspective too though. I hope for the sake of the world and my soul that it is.
